Lame

Team Gingerbread: If you hear beeping in the back room, it's not my cell - it's my Tamagotchi.
Cute 'n' Fresh: Um, what?
Team Gingerbread: A customer left it behind and I called dibs.

later

Cute 'n' Fresh: I think your Tamagotchi just flatlined. I was in the back and it started beeping.
Team Gingerbread: Oh
Cute 'n' Fresh: Have you been feeding it?
Team Gingerbread: To be honest, I don't really know how it works.
Cute 'n' Fresh: I used to have one, I can show you
Team Gingerbread: No, that's OK. I'm bored already, isn't that sad?

from across the room

AirQuote: Oooh, can I have it?
Team Gingerbread: No, I never said I didn't want it, just that I have no interest in it. That's essentially a metaphor for my life. You can write that down if you'd like.

"Tag, you're it"

The Goth Girl: The Jewish Camp Counselor thinks your really funny you know. He was still laughing at that joke you made about the lighting like 20 minutes later.
Team Gingerbread: I am pretty funny. Next time you should probably also mention that I put out.
The Goth Girl: (aghast)
Team Gingerbread: What? I'm just saying...


Team Gingerbread/Airquote: Yeah, now that The Pansy is out of town, the One Love mixtape is out of rotation for a bit...
Cute 'n' Fresh: I love that CD too - You'll have to get rid of me first!


Team Gingerbread: Yo, where are we going to put these shoes?
The Chocolatier's Ex: Um, on my feet, because they're sweet!
Team Gingerbread: You're crazy, I love it, but you're crazy.


The Goth Girl: (incredulous) You've never been [to go play laser tag]?
Team Gingerbread: Upper middle class, motherfucker. We go boating and riding and stuff.


Team Gingerbread: So, like, are there uniforms and stuff? Will we have to get changed?
The Chocolatier's Ex: (snidely) Yeah there's uniforms
Team Gingerbread: Again, I've never done this before so chillax
Team Gingerbread: Remember, "sailing and horsebackriding?"
The Chocolatier's Ex: Right


The Chocolatier's Ex: Oh, you might have to take off your jewelery. Last time I went, I had to remove my earrings...
AirQuote: Um, these earrings don't come out. And I didn't buy a heart-shaped pendant that matches my shirt so that I could take it off. No way.
Team Gingerbread: So it sounds like we might be joining The Goth Girl's mom for coffee


later


AirQuote: Sorry we're late, we had to pick up snacks.



The Goth Girl called on Friday night inviting myself, AirQuote and The Chocolatier's Ex out with a few of her friends for some laser tag. Not really my bag, but I was willing to play nice for the sake of being social.

She was pregaming at her house with her aforementioned friends and told us to call her when we were off work/on our way over. We drove over to her place but by the time we got there, we had to head out almost immediately. We left in separate cars and ours stopped off for snacks on the way, by the time we rolled up it was approaching 10:30 and I suddenly realised just how tired I was, and called it a night only to come home to one of my recent eBay purchases crammed into the mailbox.

I promptly put on my new WESC tee and finished my can of Tab before heading to bed. I subsequently had the worst nightmares, most likely due to my bedtime energy drink consumption.

I'm no doctor but...

Team Gingerbread: Yeah I get an STD test every 3 months
Clap-having Jezebel: Really?
Team Gingerbread: Yeah, I try to. Well I haven't gotten one since the summer but I'm not really entertaining anyone new anymore
Clap-having Jezebel: I got something once
Team Gingerbread: Oooh, was it the clap?
Clap-having Jezebel: (Sidestepping someone on the sidewalk) Can we talk about this later?
Clap-having Jezebel: Sorry, that was just my neighbour...
Team Gingerbread: So the clap?
Clap-having Jezebel: Uh no, I had something else...
Team Gingerbread: Oh nevermind then I don't want to know
(seconds later)
Team Gingerbread: Ok I've gotta know, what was it?
Clap-having Jezebel: (quietly) Gonorrhea
Team Gingerbread: That's the clap dude! I am so blogging this
Clap-having Jezebel: Are you sure, I thought the clap was Chlamydia
Team Gingerbread: Oh maybe it is, I'll look it up when I get home

I know, I hate Bono too...

On Technology

Team Gingerbread: Yeah, there's a red Chocolate phone too it's really nice. It's like the red MotoRAZR too, it's that Code Red, or Project Red shit with Bono. I'd never buy it though, because I hate him.
Cute 'n' Fresh: Yeah, I know. There's the iPod too, but I just bought my shuffle.
Team Gingerbread: Yeah, you know the shuffle comes in colour now too
Cute 'n' Fresh: Fuck! I hate my life! Seriously, damn it!

On Gang Life

Team Gingerbread: (cooking beef) I haven't had this much blood on my hands since I was in a gang
The Pansy: What kind of gang was it, a reading gang? Did you talk about what books you were going to read next?

Oh, and it's my birthday today, but it's no big deal. I'm 23 now, woo...

Being in university means never having to do rudimentary math again

The Pansy: I feel like I've been acting crazy lately
Team Gingerbread: Well maybe it's because you went 1/4 of a year without sex...
The Pansy: (indignantly) It has not been that long, it was like 3 months!
Team Gingerbread: (dying laughing) Uh, yeah. That's a quarter of a year
The Pansy: (mildly embarrassed)

Thursdogs

The Pansy is still convinced that her boobs are tiny because she went down a size recently. I've tried to convince her that it simply isn't the case.

I asked The Archaeologist to back me up because we were smoking outside the bar and he managed to set her straight:

"Are you kidding me? Everytime you turn around it's like the fucking Matrix!"

as he bends over backwards dramatically for effect.

The Pansy has been obsessed with boobs as of late, mostly noting their size and abundance and always coming back to her deluded perceptions regarding her own.

"Holy tits! Maybe that's why The Archaeologist was lurking on you today?"

"Dude, it's just the bra, my boobs don't normally do this"

"Right. Maybe if your boobs weren't falling out of your shirt... You obviously stole my boobs for yourself"

"Do you know how crazy you sound, you're not serious, right? Right?!?"

I'm bored - and tired - but I can't sleep because The Engineer gets back tomorrow.

Bitches 'R' Us

On a customer's outfit (after she left the store, obviously)

Team Gingerbread: What is that, a skating outfit? She's like white trash in training or something!
Cute 'n' Fresh: Right now she's overdressing, which in the long run leads to underdressing.

On girls who need their boyfriends' approval before buying anything

Team Gingerbread: Why does it matter what he thinks, is he going to be wearing it?
Cute 'n' Fresh: I know it's just like 'Baby, is this going to look good balled up on the floor beside the bed?'
(both laugh)

On relative proportions

The Pansy: My boobs shrunk
Team Gingerbread: Is that a problem?
The Pansy: Yes!
Team Gingerbread: Dude, your boobs are still huge!
The Pansy: Maybe that's why my nipple hurts, because it's sad.
Team Gingerbread: You're ridiculous.

later

Team Gingerbread: Are you going to wear [the new] shirt on Saturday. That way you can seduce The Archaeologist
Team Gingerbread: ...Of course he'll never be attracted to you because of your tiny boobs
The Pansy: Oh, I totally forgot, that's true!
Team Gingerbread: I was kidding
The Pansy: No, you're right they are tiny now I can fit my boobs in my hands
Team Gingerbread: Your hands are tiny! Are we talking both hands on one boob?
The Pansy: Yes
Team Gingerbread: (laughs) Just don't complain about boob size around AirQuote

On motivation - or lack thereof

Team Gingerbread: I don't want to call, you should call
The Pansy: No you call!
Team Gingerbread: You lazy fucking bitch! Your phone is in your hand!
The Pansy: Oh, yeah.

Yet another failed attempt at meeting up with the man who doesn't believe in cell phones (aka. The Archaeologist). Thus morphing a potentially debaucherous night out into 'let's stay in and binge-shop online while we wait for the pizza to be delivered only to be thwarted by arcane shipping rules and instead settling for a rousing game of Tomb Raider'.

Classy lady party - golden girls edition.

The Husband Game: Redux

The background story

Team Gingerbread: Hey, look it's your husband!
The Pansy: Um, that's The Goth Girl's boyfriend dude...
Team Gingerbread: Oh, that's awkward. Thank God she didn't hear me...

Team Gingerbread: BarelyLegalBoy was trying to talk to you...
AirQuote: I was trying to be nonchalant
Team Gingerbread: Uh, you ran away. That's actually the opposite of nonchalant

"...and Potent Potables for $100, Alex!"

So I'm about to leave work and we're performing the perfunctory bag checks.

"Yo, look in my bag!" I call out to whoever is listening

"...and before you ask, yes that is a copy of Martha Stewart Living and a block of fudge in my bag" I spit out preemptively

"Ooh, fudge! Can I have some?" asks The Goth Girl

"Uh, no." I reply quickly

"Come on, I gave you juice" she pleads, "I love fudge"

"I know, but you don't want this, trust me..." I say as I try to reason with her, but she persists and I give in "Fine!"

"Ew! That is so gross!" "I think it's coating my mouth!" and "Whoever made that should be shot, then pissed on!" were just a few of the choice phrases that came out of her mouth as she quickly gulped down a 500mL bottle of water in the back room.

"Uh, who made that for you?" piped up The Pansy, quickly adding "Was it The Engineer?"

"Uh, no. I don't really want to have this conversation with you..." I trailed off

"Are you going to blog it - or tell me later?"

"Uh, no. That's not necessary. Ok, bye!" I yell as I trot out of the store to get tacos (not a metaphor)

In truth, I actually got the fudge from The Engineer's mom (well she gave it to him and he gave it to me). He doesn't like fudge (probably because he's only had his mom's terrible fudge, and has nothing good to compare it to - erroneously assuming that all fudge tastes like hot ass, which is not the case) and gave it to me because I heart fudge and I was stressed about exams and shit.

Moral of the story fudge (like pizza and sex) is not good even when it's really, really bad.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

The Engineer: So, like when you were said you were talking about [anal] the other day...
Team Gingerbread: Yeah, I said 'considering' if you played your cards right....
The Engineer: So what are we talking here? Because you mentioned that [clutch] the other day...
Team Gingerbread: Dude, that wallet is like $80 - I'm not going to let you put it in my ass for $80!
Team Gingerbread: But, nice try.

Beefcake: 2-4 servings a day

A recent phone conversation with my Dad. He was wrapping some of my gifts to my stepmom, which included, but was not limited to, a book of nude photography. Partly because she's stoked on photography, and partly because I was shopping for these gifts really late at night and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

GingerDad: Hey, so I got the gifts for [GingerStepMom], and I just had a quick question
Team Gingerbread: Like, how did I get so awesome at buying gifts?
GingerDad: No, not quite
GingerDad: There's a book in here that I wasn't sure about
Team Gingerbread: Dad, just chillax. [GingerStepMom] loves photography
GingerDad: Yes, honey, of food
Team Gingerbread: Dad, beefcake is practically a food group...
GingerDad: (laughs)

It's like 'Ha Ha' funny

"You're wearing that to dinner?"

"Oh, where do you want me to change - in the car?"

"Don't even pretend like you don't have extensive experience putting your pants back on in a car!"

On the joy of sex (for one)

The Pansy: Fuck it! I'm not going to psych tomorrow.
The Pansy: I'm just going to get up early and read
Team Gingerbread: ...and by 'read' you mean get off?
The Pansy: I can multitask - the other day I watched Grey's Anatomy, masturbated, and read for school all at the same time
Team Gingerbread: (laughs)

Mad libs and other delightful observations

The Pansy: You know what I could really go for right now?
Team Gingerbread: Dick?
The Pansy: Shut up!
Team Gingerbread: ...or were you going to say candy, which has been your substitute as of late?

(later)

Team Gingerbread: So what's in the bag?
The Pansy: Um, candy and batteries
Team Gingerbread: So standard!

Team Gingerbread: Maybe I'll buy The Engineer some Crocs for Christmas, then we can match
The Pansy: You have Crocs?
Team Gingerbread: No, but I've heard they're really comfortable
The Pansy: Ew!
Team Gingerbread: Whatever! No one needs to know what happens behind closed doors. They'd be for home use anyways...
The Pansy: Uh ok, like [my] pirate porn?
Team Gingerbread: (laughing) Yeah, like that
The Pansy: What? I like porn...and pirates are hot! The Gentle Giant would make a good pirate
Team Gingerbread: Whatever, at least your fetish is less embarrassing.

The Cave Dweller: So how was your movie?
The Pansy: Uh, it was good
The Cave Dweller: What was it called again?
The Pansy: (sheepishly) Pirates
Th Cave Dweller: (quietly) Is it porn?
The Pansy: Yeah
The Cave Dweller: No, I've rented it, that's a good one!

(the last one was only funny because she was scared to get a pap smear/pregnancy test, yet has no problem renting porn)

Half Right

Managers 1 & 2: Hey do you know how these work (handing me promotional flyers for our store )
Team Gingerbread: No
Managers 1 & 2: (long explanation) But the point is whoever gets the most of these returned gets a really good prize - last year it was a $1000 gift certificate for their store
Team Gingerbread: So do I get 8 times the prize if I win because I'm Jewish?
Manager #1: Uh, no. Besides, you're not Jewish, I don't know any black and Jewish people.
Manager #2: Not true. I know some...and then there's Mordecai Richler!
Team Gingerbread: Mordecai Richler's not black!
Manager #2: Oh, well I was half right
Team Gingerbread: But not the important half

Seen & Heard

Three very stoned girls shopping in our store for like an hour last night. Our store smelled like a pot brownie for the rest of the night.

Never once have I gotten high, and wanted to go shopping.

Lady on the bus: ...And just so you know, legally separated and divorced are not the same thing. Do not make the same mistake I did!

How do you say romantic?

Team Gingerbread: So I'll see you tonight?
The Engineer: Yeah
Team Gingerbread: Ok. Well if you play your cards right, you might get to buy me breakfast tomorrow...
The Engineer: Like a bagel?
Team Gingerbread:(smiling) and a coffee - Americano with room
The Engineer: Right, can't wait.
Team Gingerbread: Ok, bye!

Boys are mysterious

Team Gingerbread: Is that a pomegranate?
The Engineer: Um, yes.
Team Gingerbread: When did you start eating all this exotic fruit? First salad, then mango yogurt, then this?
Team Gingerbread: I feel like I don't even know you anymore! Do you have some secret stash of starfruit shampoo that you use when I'm not around too?
The Engineer: Um, it's not mine, it belongs to [The Engineer's roommate]
Team Gingerbread: Oh. Perhaps I overreacted a little bit...
The Engineer: One might say that - not me, of course, but someone else...

Don't even front...

The Engineer: So, like, if you wanna watch The OC while you're here that's totally fine with me...
Team Gingerbread: Oh, bitch please! Do not even front like you're not totally hooked on it too! Don't act like you're doing me any favours...
The Engineer: (mumbles something indecipherable)

Team Gingerbread: Um, I think this yogurt went bad
The Engineer: Let me taste it (tastes it) No, that tastes fine to me
Team Gingerbread: Seriously? This is the grossest peach yogurt I've ever tasted in my life!
The Engineer: There's your problem - it's not peach, it's mango
Team Gingerbread: Who buys mango yogurt?
The Engineer: This coming from the girl who called me three times in one day to ask if I had tried the prune yogurt yet...

Because I secretly lead a really glam life (but lets keep that on the DL), I had originally planned on staying in all day Saturday to do laundry (not a metaphor) and take leisurely naps - but those plans were hastily thrown out the window when a certain boy called and asked me to join him on a shopping adventure...which quickly morphed into a casual lunch/dinner date followed by The OC and ice cream bars (because we're crazy like that).

I had to cut the festivities short though, as I still needed to do laundry/shower once I got home.

On air quotes, and their improper use

The New Girl (who currently lacks a suitable nickname): Guys, quit [making fun of me]. We're 'just friends'

Team Gingerbread: So you admit that you're more than just friends?

The New Girl: No

Team Gingerbread: Why did you use air quotes?

The New Girl: To be honest, I don't quite get how they work...

Team Gingerbread: (laughing) Oh, that's so cute. My mom doesn't get how it's done either