Thai for Three and Drinking for Two

Thursday night meant going out to dinner with The Pansy and a co-worker's girlfriend - it was grand. Celebrated my day off by going out for a quick round of drinks with The Pansy and The Archaeologist as his Thursday-night haunt, then briefly pooped in on Hawaiian Delight and his new ladyfriend.

Friday was pretty standard, worked, ate, slept, shopped - the usual.

Saturday, much the same although I may end up paying The Engineer a visit, as I think we may be ready to be friends, although at this point I don't think either of us knows exactly what that word means. We'll see how the night pans out, but for now I have to hop in the shower...

Earls Girls

Thursday night meant dinner with some of the lovely ladies from work...and by dinner I mean appetizers and drinks peppered with some mildly inappropriate chatter about what else - boys.

Who should sleep with who, who should end their relationship, awkward sexual encounters and a rousing game of 'guess who went down on me'.

The service was terrible, but the company was good so it didn't really matter- we should do it again.

On pushing personal boundaries

On why my friend should take a break from her pseudo-fiance

Team Gingerbread: Yeah, I mean I think it's time that you see what else is out there before you settle down you know, try new things, dip your toe in the pool - which is a metaphor for sex with Hawaiian Delight (our Hawaiian friend that she fancies)
The Goth Girl: Oh yeah, try new things? Coming from you. You're even more of a stick in the mud than me
Team Gingerbread: Not true. I had Taco Time (picture Taco Bell that's been sitting in a parking lot for a month) twice this week, and both times it was gross, but I went outside my comfort zone. Also, I dabbled sexually - I'll tell you about that when we're not at work but it was spicy
The Goth Girl: Really? Well I'm not going to ruin my life and break up with my boyfriend for a guy who's not even single!
Team Gingerbread: Oh, he's very single. We'll put in a good word for you

Done like dinner

AirQuote, The Pansy and I all went out to dinner because their plans for snowboarding fell through (turns out finding out the ski hill's operating hours beforehand is essential - who knew?). The wait at the Olive Garden was obscene so we settled on Malaysian/Thai food.

AirQuote regaled us with little small town life anectodes and kept saying the cutest/most naive things ever.

on the likelihood of someone breaking into her car

AirQuote: You guys, people break into cars and steal stuff all the time. This one time someone broke into my friends car and stole her jean capris..."
The Pansy: Um, dude, they were doing her a favour!

on The Pansy/The Gentle Giant's office romance:

"I can't wait for the Christmas party. You guys are going to be drunk, and flirting and touching"

on the sixteen year old's unrequited crush:

"Maybe if he was seventeen, but sixteen is too young"

on The Pansy's sexual proclivities:

The Pansy: No, I like really rough sex. Like I like it when guys hit me.
AirQuote: How rough are we talking here, like a little smack on the bottom?
The Pansy: No, more like being choked and hit in the face
AirQuote: Um, are you kidding? You're kidding right?
Team Gingerbread: No, she's not.

on black men:

AirQuote: [You've been with] A black guy - really?
The Pansy: Several black guys

on ethnic food:

AirQuote: I like curry
The Pansy: Have you ever had curry?
AirQuote: I've had the curry at Boston Pizza
The Pansy: That's not curry
AirQuote: Yes it is! It's called creamy curry, and it's good.

AirQuote: I like Chinese food
The Pansy: Like what kind?
AirQuote: Ginger beef
The Pansy: That's not Chinese food. Have you ever had dim sum?
AirQuote: What's dim sum?

"A food slot? Are you guys talking dirty again?"

The facts of life

When I came back from my break at work today, The Pansy told me a rather troubling story. It seems that one of our coworkers (The Cave Dweller) isn't exactly versed on the birds and the bees.

She had called in sick from work on the previous day, and upon being asked for further details it came to light that she had been feeling really nauseous and tired as of late. She told us that she had called her mother who had jokingly angrily questioned if she was pregnant to which she replied "Um, no I don't think so..."

Obviously The Pansy then asked her if she was sure.

Her answer astounded me.

"Well my boyfriend said that if he pulled out, I wouldn't get pregnant!"

(The Pansy and Team Gingerbread in the shrillest voices possible)

"Um, are you kidding me?!? You know that doesn't work right?"

"Uh well we've been doing it for 2 years and I haven't gotten pregnant so far..." The Cave Dweller rebutted.

"Uh, that doesn't really mean anything you know" and "Didn't you have sex ed in school?"

"Uh, no. We had it in grade 7 but I got kicked out of the class for laughing"

"Typical. This is the kind of stuff you cover you know!"

After about 10 to 20 minutes of sheer stupefaction we decided that we'd have to educate her ourselves. I didn't really think it was possible for people to not be completely informed about this stuff in this day and age, but apparently so.

I've always kind of joked about how this girl lives in a cave (she hadn't heard of myspace) but this is outrageous.

The Non-Date

...went really well and according to plan.

Extraneous details not necessary.

Sexually-charged missives from team chastity

Excerpts from the flurry of texts (I'm not telling who the sender or the receiver was, that's up to you to speculate about):

[...]except I know the night will end with us getting into a fight but at least I get dick first.

[...]the painkillers and anti-inflammatories are making it possible for me to bone

haha. don't be mad just because I burned you

f*ck you! I'm telling The Archaeologist that you want him to bend you over

I'm wasted!

where are you? HOUSE PARTY! (this ones only funny becasue I can totally picture the sender drunkenly yelling the answer)

----------

So I was chatting at work about a mutual friend (I won't name names) who had been going through somewhat of a sexual dryspell (cough*drought*cough) and how tragically comedic it was the s/he had messed up their back so badly that they were pretty much unable to sit/stand (and thus work) for long periods of time, thus almost certainly ruling out any form of sex.

This was only marginally funny because s/he had planned on reconnecting with an old flame when s/he went home for the weekend because, lets face it, it had been almost 3 months and s/he was more than a little stir crazy.

I pointed this out to my coworker and we chuckled quietly, she then asked me if I had pointed this out to our mutual friend (I hadn't because I feared what she might do) and we both came to the conclusion that even mentioning such a thing would have likely resulted in a violent reaction.

...and then we went back to making fun of The Archaeologist, because he's an easy target.

"I can make you a salad, I'm a vegan; that's what we do!"

Ladies who lunch and the boys that love them

The weekend started out well, with the second of two staff meetings, scheduled for 9 pm on a Friday night no less, it's really cramping my style. Apparently when The Archaeologist was making phone calls about PK (it was super last minute because it was rescheduled from next week at 6 or 7 pm yesterday) he was actually terrified of my reaction, practicising a script quickly to himself before I picked up, and actually sighed with relief when he thought I wasn't picking up.

My question is why am I so scary. It's been said before (by last year's pledges who were apparently terrified that they would be disappointing me) but I suppose that's because I put off an air of being hard to please - my voice mail message is 'Hey it's [gingerbread]; impress me' after all. But come on, I'm not a complete ogre.

I laughed it off, and simply told The Archaeologist that he could repay me for the inconvenience by buying me drinks the following night as casually as I could. He laughed nervously, and I gave him a 'No, really, I'm serious' look and he reluctantly agreed that that would indeed be a fair trade. Score!

In a mere 12 hours I fully expect to be well on my way to a 'frat party drunk'-stage of inebriation and pushing the dial to 11, so to speak.

In other news, The Engineer, texted me last night (5 times!) to let me know what he was up to. I was watching The Breakup with a friend and kind of keeping the nature of the texts on the down lo until his final text made me laugh. She demanded to know who exactly I was being so secretive about and I had to tell her. She then proceeded to read the flurry of text messages he sent and broke into analysis mode.

I broke my 'no texting' rule to let him know that if he was down, he should come out with us. The Pansy sees us rekindling the fire in the near future, I disagree, but only time will tell. Part of the problem is that I have no idea where I want things to go with him, and he's getting kind of annoyed with my indecisiveness. My response to that: "It takes me 3 hours to decide what I'm having for lunch, you can't expect a decision from me anytime soon!"

We'll see...

Death of a salesgirl

Ugh, this has been the most tiring weekend.

I actually studied all day Saturday, only to reward myself with a night of drinking and other debaucherous activities that left me stumbling home at the crack of dawn in order to make it to work on time.

But apparently I sell really well when I'm hungover because I talked so many people into buying things they probably didn't need, and it felt really, really good.

I've never sold so much stuff at work as I did, all the while, desperately craving Gatorade and beef jerky (my hangover staples, in case you're keeping track)

I was having trouble sleeping, as I most usually do when I'm not in my own bed, and resorted to taking a handful of sleeping pills at 2 am, because I really couldn't take it anymore. Except that you're really supposed to plan on getting at least 8 hours of sleep when you take them, and not the 5 or so that I ended up with.

In order to clear the fogginess caused by a sleeping pill, in addition to, an alcohol-related hangover I drank 3 or so cups of coffee - which just left me jittery, and not alert as I had intended.


Oh well, you only live once, right? I'm in such a good mood because of this weeknd and I'm super excited (note how I didn't say 'stoked' - I realized that I say both 'stoked' and 'dude' far too much now) about is the $200 Franklin&Marshall sweater that I've had my eye on for months will finally be mine tomorrow and I'm splurging and buying super dark wash WE jeans and a Harajuku Lovers sweater.

I also returned [redacted]'s dvd today and managed to call him a cunt while doing it, don't ask why, that's just how I roll. He seemed totally shocked by my choice of words and commented that it wasn't very ladylike, my witty retort - "Who says that I'm a lady?"

Oh, the work crush saga continues. Well, not really because I talked to the white guy who works at the urbanwear store down the hall today, and I think I like him a lot more than [redacted]; I mean, at least I'm attracted to The White Guy - which is more than I can say for [redacted].

Dear Diary, I like [redacted].

I thought that it would be brutal at work today as I fully expected The Pansy to spill the beans. Instead she played nice, and acted with far more maturity than I did, and just resorted to playful ribbing (which I totally deserved).

Every once and a while we'd share a knowing laugh while generally avoiding the topic of interest, [redacted]. After admitting that I was actually starting to appreciate a tweed jacket we had in store and a mother of pearl-faced watch, The Pansy joked that I was just starting to like everything she liked.

I wasn't sure if she was just kidding or kinda angry, but I took it as a joke.

[Redacted] came into the store only a couple of times, seemingly for no apparent reason - I think he just likes field trips away from his store. The penultimate time he came into the store, he awkwardly chatted with me as I gathered my stuff in the back room, since I was going on break. He had come over to tell me that he was going on break as well and that if we needed anything, to call one of the other managers.

I informed him that I too was going on break, and he asked where I was dining as I asked him the same thing. I laughed and said that we should eat together, he paused and said that he didn't think I really wanted to eat with him and reminded me that I still had his dvd and left. I called after him that I had it in the back room, but he said to just give it to him later.

I was confused and ate my lunch (which consisted of ginger ale because I was feeling sick) with one of the girls from the rock shop down the hall that I ran into on my break.

About an hour after my break, [redacted] came over and asked if he could "borrow some gum", I laughed and told him he "could just have it, as it's not quite returnable" and he replied that he'd "give it back to me later if that's what I wanted"

The Pansy continued to make fun of me and we made plans to hang out later that night on a lark. As we were closing up shop, [redacted] came by and I tried to give him back his dvd, but he rebuffed my attempts and told me to hang onto it, and that he'd get it from me later (I really have no clue when this later is, btw).

The Pansy and I ride the same bus home and we sat in silence for a good half of the trip, which was kind of weird since we normally chat up a storm. We got into a conversation about relationships and I revealed that I usually only fall for guys if I hate them when I first meet them, and I admitted that I didn't think that I liked [redacted] all that much, but who knows my first impressions are always wrong...

We continued to talk relationships for the rest of the night, essentially one-upping each other with stories from our illustrious pasts and making plans for next weekend, when we go out drinking with [redacted] and The Archaeologist (our boss).

Eventually I headed out because The Pansy had to work early the next day and I called The Engineer to talk. I didn't really feel like heading to Whyte because I was downtown, but he offered to pay for my cab so I couldn't really say no.

He also said he'd pay for a cab ride home later tonight, but I just suggested that I take the bus home in the morning.

I also vowed to be over this little crush of mine by next week's end (coincidentally when we're all going out drinking) so we'll see how everything pans out.

Problem Solved

So yesterday I wondered aloud whether I should let a friend in on a secret - that I kinda had a little thing the guy I'd been making fun of her for liking too.

Well at around 12:30pm yesterday, it took care of itself.

I got an urgent message on my phone from The Pansy and instead of checking my voicemail, I just called her right back.

"Uh hey, what's up?" I asked "You called?"

"So I've converted you..." she said laughing

"Um, what?" I asked, knowing full well that the cat was out of the bag

"So you like [redacted] too now?"

"Yeah, kinda" I mumbled

"I didn't know you read my blog" I said quietly

"I always have" she replied

"Is this why you asked me if it would bother me if you started liking him too?"

[awkward pause] "Yeah"

"How long have you known?"

"Uh, my friend Dave clued me in this weekend" I thought to myself but I think I said something along the lines of "I don't know"

I was trapped in what was easily one of the most awkward conversations I'd had in a long time.

"I can't believe you wouldn't tell me if you hooked up!" she said indignantly "I would tell you..."

"Yeah," I interrupted "but that's the difference between you and I, I wouldn't want to know!" "That's just how I roll dude, sorry"

I then said something like "Besides, I don't even think I would hook up with him" which at this point is probably true, because I don't even like him that much, and I get bored really easily.

By the time this post is published, I may very well be over him

A dilemma

So I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.

I've been torturing my friend about her insane crush on one of our coworkers, but all of our chatter about him has actually made me kinda sorta start to like him too (I guess I was wrong about her 'converting me').

Ugh.

And now I can't say anything because I've mocked her so badly that there's literally no way I could escape vicious mockery if this came to light.

To tell, or not to tell, that is the question.

The only pro is that if I spilled we could at least talk about it together, but I don't really know if it's worth the scornfully contemptuous ridicule.

I know, I know - I can dish it out, but I can't take it...

***Update: I think I forgot to mention that he wants us all to go out drinking together. I'm sort of avoiding making firm plans though because I can be aggressive when I'm drunk - I prefer the term 'task-oriented' but whatevs.

I just know that I'd probably certainly be angry if one of my friends went after someone she knew full well that I was digging.

And the guy in question is the one who made a bet with me (his idea, I didn't want to) about shoes, the loser (him) had to buy the other one lunch. You can read about it once I get my act in gear and republish my archives***

The McDonald's Incident/The Revelation

The McDonald's Incident

I was too busy to pack a lunch this morning (read: lazy, and wanted to spend more time doing nothing) so I had to buy food at work and since I had been craving something sweet I hit up McDonald's because the line at the Greek place was way too long for my 30 minuute break.

Except McD's was just as busy because two out of the 5 employees working the front were refilling the ice machine, and the McFlurry dispensers, respectively.

Come on now, is that really important? It's fucking October, who's going to order a McFlurry when it's raining. I don't think I've ever seen anyone walking around the mall with one.

So after my ten minute wait, it's my turn to order, and I order a McChicken sandwich (gross, I know) and ask for a baked pie as well.

"Um, we're out of pies"

What I wanted to say: "You've got to be fucking kidding me"

What I acually said: "Uh, that's fine I guess"

It takes her forvever to get my order, but whatevs, and as she's fixing my drink I see not one, but six(!) pies sitting on the counter.

"Um, excuse me? Are those not pies? Are they all for one person, and you're just out of them?" I ask cautiously, not wanting to get my hopes up

"Oh..." she says, "I thought we didn't have pies today" she murmurs to a coworker who looks like she wants to punch her in the face "No, we've always had pies" the coworker spits back

Long story short, I got my pies, but half my break was wasted standing in line at McD's.

---------

The Revelation

Lately, it seems that no one in getting enough in my circle of friends, and as a result, it's all we can talk about.

Boys, boys, and more boys dominate our conversations at work, school, bus stops and pretty much anywhere else we convene to the point where other people have started commenting on it.

Ever since a certain coworker of mine revealed her inter-office crush, we've been hounding her relentlessly, asking her what she thinks of his outfit that day, whether they're going to start dating anytimes soon, and generally just being totally immature.

Since that coworker and I take the same bus home together with some frequency we also end up talking about her crush on the way home, and today she finally admitted that she likes him(!!!) - she'd always just denied it before and simply said she found him attractive, so this is a big step for her.

I'm envisioning drunken tomfoolery at the staff Christmas party.

But the big news is that she wants me to invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner - I kinda hope he has plans though because I don't want to be a fifth wheel, selfish I know, but that's my scene.
Besides, we had all these grand plans to make a turkey and just get really, really drunk during dinner and watch Dave Chapelle dvd's afterwards, I don't want puppy love getting in the way...

Every sorority has its reputation

...and we're collectively known as the girls who don't put out. Which is fine by me, because we're also the fun party girls, and the surprisingly smart ones too, but it sucks for the boys that think we're loose just because we like to drink.

Last night we played a quick football game with the boys of Kappa Sigma which I had originally pegged to be a friendly pickup game but which actually turned into the mother fucking Super Bowl. There was yelling and I'm sure someone was near tears and it wasn't nearly as fun as I had made it seem. My team ended up losing by one touchdown.

We decided to hit up some frat houses after our game for some beer, there was a brief mention of quarters but we were hungry so we trotted across the street to the Phi Delt house and chowed down on free burgers and met some of their new rushes and after an extended recess we headed down the street to our former haunt, which had been bought out over the summer by a franchise of 'neighbourhood bars'.

At first we were sitting upstairs but we realized that we didn't really want to pay for all of our drinks that night so we moved downstairs even though that meant less seating for everyone.

One of our rushes kept casually pointing out guys she was digging and then I'd turn around and be all like 'Oh hey! It's James/Elliot/Paul or Todd (who stopped me and hugged me and asked if I remembered him - the answer was a regretful 'no, but I'd like to') she was pretty impressed that I had such hot friends but she declined my offer to introduce her.

One our our girls (The Christitute) spotted me for a pitcher because she was toting around a C-Note from selling some books earlier in the day which was just the beginning of the night. Once the pint glass was empty boys were offerning to top me off on a fairly regular basis and we floated between our table, the Phi Delt table (although some of them were ignoring us because of awkward hookup shenanigans) and the Delta Upsilon table after they showed up.

We vowed to close down the bar but we had been drinking heavily since about 8 (pm) and by 2 am we were ready to call it quits. I had assumed TC was going to be entertaining so I left her to her own devices and opted to leave with The Roadtrip Queen and Manitoba (our new roommate who may be rushing), but she left with us. When we got home we ended up finishing off TC's casserole and gossiping until The Drama Queen (another one of our new roommies who may be rushing. She's a drama student, not a bitch in case you're wondering about the name) got home and retiring shortly thereafter for some late-night booty call action.

I remembered this morning that one of the DU boys had asked me for my blog address so I'm assuming he's checking out what I wrote about him/his boys. I was still a little bit drunk when I woke up this morning so I'm going to drown my sorrows in coffee and cigarettes.

Girls Night Out In

The Christitute (to KR [When keeping it real goes wrong] who was going on about how The Roadtrip Queen's co-worker probably wasn't getting any action): I'm going to hit you in the coochie with a stiletto if you dont close your legs...And that will be the most action youve gotten in weeks!


This was supposed to be a big weekend for partying, we made all these grandiose plans to go out and get crunk for Ah-bby's birthday...and then I lost my debit card sometime over the course of the week. I noticed it on Friday because I'd been using cash all week long, and by then it was too late. My spending money bank of choice isn't open on weekends, ever.

Sweet! The goes my weekend. the Christitute and I stayed in on Friday night because we both had to open at work the next day, and we amused ourselves by watching some L Word, and then Chase joined us and we had a spirited discussion while hardcore lesbian groping action played out in the background.

I worked all day Saturday and then planned on spending Saturday night at home alone because TC was gonig to go out with Ah-bby for her birthday, but that fell though and one of our sorority sisters called wanting to hit the town, so tentative plans were made with her instead.

TC busied herself by getting ready, I accompanied her and answered her incessant questions on outfit choice. She offered to pay for me to go out with them, I took her up on that offer. KR eventually showed up quite drunk, she'd been drinking since 4, and regaled us with tales of her summerlong seduction of The Good Christian (TGC), her new love interest who's saving it for marriage - the girl loves a challenge. There may or may not have been a bet involved.

It quickly became apparent to both myself and TC that we were no longer really in the mood to party, but KR was still raring to go, but the alcohol was wearing off and being replaced by sleepiness. She kept harrassing us to go out, we kept telling her to wait, because we really never go out before midnight. The Roadtrip Queen came home and joined us, and we started figuring out who's gonig to move into who's room come September. The random innapropriate outbursts from KR subsided completely and we realized that she was asleep and we comtemplated telling her that we had, in fact, gone out, but she'd fallen asleep, so she missed out.

KR eventually came to and went home somewhat dejected, and we went to bed. Which brings us to Sunday, and the house clean up, yay!

At a loss

I'm really torn here. I'd love to confront my roommate about her excessive drinking but I'm just not quite sure the right way to approach the subject. There really no way to phrase "Um, I think you've got a problem and you're drinking away your pain" in such a way that people don't get offended and run off into the night.

I think the biggest part of my dilemma stems from the fact that I have a couple other roommates that are unknowingly pressuring me to do something with talk of "we should really intervene", "she has been drinking a lot", and "I'm just really worried for her"

My only problem with these statements is that while you may be worried, wouldn't it be more beneficial to everyone if you directed this supposed worry in her direction, and simply talked to her, and not about her behind her back.

Another thing that's holding me back is that I kind of know what her reaction will be, and it probably won't be too pleasant. I'm not the type of person who likes to go into something knowing full well that failure is not only a possibility, but the probable outcome.

But ultimately it comes down to self-centeredness and immature reasoning. Partly, I'm angry that they feel she has a problem when one of the accusers is clearly hooked on pills, and partly I wonder if they're saying the same thing about me when I'm not around.

I got my answer last night, and I was actually surprised…

Observations about our neighbours

The female neighbour doesn't seem to have a job, unless you count bossing around your Peurto Rican houseboy and toking away in the backyard while your child plays under a camper van (true story). Her husband is also similarly lacking in a job, although maybe he travels for work who knows, because we rarely see him (I'm talking wouldn't be able to pick him out of a line up).

They employ some sort of all night security team to guard their valuables, possibly due to their heightened paranoia from all the weed they smoke. I don't even think they walk their own dogs (I think it's just one dog now since the other appears to have either died, or is permanently confined to a kennel in the basement). There's also the matter of the two campers that are alternatingly always parked in their driveway. Methinks perhaps its a mobile meth den.

The most interesting part of the story is of course that despite the fact that they have this garage with garage doors on both sides and ample room for two cars (they own at least three, plus their staff have two cars), they choose to park their two most expensive vehicles on the street. On any given night, either the Jag or the Escalade are parked on the street, not even under a street light either. Who parks a Jaguar S Type-R on the street?!? Do you want your car to be vandalized/broken into. You live next door to a sorority house that gets pranked a lot. On any given night there are drunk university students on the prowl. We got our driveway repaved and for about three weeks there were large chunks of concrete sitting at the end of our driveway within a stone's throw from the parked Jag.

Maybe the reason they employ a security team is that the wife wouldn't even be able to run after the culprits since she's been pregnant for what seems like two years. She does have one child, although he hasn't been around as of late either. Her child is kind of like Will from Days since he hasn't aged in the 2+ years we've lived next door. I'm pretty sure it's a boy, but this is just speculation here.

Long story short, we're pretty sure our neighbours are drug smugglers or something of that nature.

conspiracy theorism is tiring work,

Ba-zing!

Latte WINS!

Purity Test Score.. a whopping 348!
i'd just like to let everyone know that, yet again, i win the challenge to be the worst role model in the house (the Gateway Purity Test) ... i will not gloat too much, as i only won by a slim margin, and with my "number of partners" snagging those last winning points i can only say that a couple one night stands.... pay off? hmmmm.

Purity test results

344. That's my score from this year's test.

Latte and I always compete for top honours, last year she won (or lost depending on your point of view) by 5 points.

team gingerbread likes it on top

posted by team latte at 4:53 PM 0 comments links to this post
Purity is such a relative thing...
...It's Valentine's Day which can only mean one thing; the Gateway Purity Test is back! The link is for last year's test, but you get the idea.


I haven't had a chance to fill it out yet because of my newest crush: beef jerky. I love beef jerky so much that it hurts. I've eaten 2 bags since saturday, and I'm almost certain my roommates are planning an intervention.


Since it's V-Day, I've decided to bless you with some sex-related stories.


So we're just casually chatting (myself, Pancake, and Onion) in Pancakes room and all of a sudden, Onion yells out ' I had sex with Convict!'. Convict is this guy that we met while we were on our New Year's trip, and this admission entirely unprovoked. We were just talking about embarassing hookups, and all; of a sudden we were dying on the floor laughing. It's not that the Onion/Convict hookup was unexpected it was just the timing.


I'm taking two gender classes this term (the anthropology of gender bein the more interesting one of the two). Lately we've been talking about mutual masturbation among the bonobo and we have to read some really interesting position papers on related topics. Apparently primatologists will measure anything they can get their hands on. We spent an entire class chatting about testes weight to body weight ratio of primates and humans.


and then the prof busts out this one-liner:


All my girlfriends are pregnant (or recently had kids) because of the hockey strike. No really, they didn't have anything else to do!

I would totally f*ck him; I'm so stressed during finals that I could totally use a random hookup!

I haven't had a good chat with my friend Katherine in so long so I decided to give her her valentine's card a day early and catch up. Apparently we've both recently made vows to be a little more discerning when it comes to hooking up. Then we got to the subject of unwanted advances and she told me this hilarious story which ended in her being thrown onto her kitchen island and having some random guy trying to sit on her face and teabag her. The story would have been way funnier if it wasn't borderline sexual assault.

I also forgot about a couple of quotes from the weekend.

Waffle: Bulimia is such a waste of time. You don't even get thin; it's such a useless disease!

Gingerbread: No, don't let yourself get talked into sex outdoors. Sure it sounds like a good idea, but you'll just end up with a pinecone up your ass. Is that what you want?

Hair Guy: Do you smoke? That's too bad, wanna start?

Pancake: You talk the shit, you lay in it.