Things That Make Me Want to Turn Around at the Sliding Glass Doors

1. Long lines of any kind. The only thing I believe in waiting in line for during the holiday season is food and/or drink (most notably at the Starbucks or the corner store buying my fifth diet Rockstar of the day) and books/magazines (at least that way I have something to read) - anything else, I will figure out a time the when said establishment isn't busy, and come back then.

2. Proximity to screaming children. Seriously, get a freaking soother for your child, or better yet don't take them shopping at all. A couple of days ago a child got trapped between a bolted down glass door and the adjoining glass wall. It stared at the scene for a minute before walking over and calmly unlatching the door to allow the child's escape while silently judging the mom who was within spitting distance the whole time - she was talking to someone so she wasn't really paying attention. She made some sort of under her breath comment in my general direction and I wanted to whip around and explain to her that:

1. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (or in this case, glass corridors), 2. Now's not the time to let your toddler go on little adventures, 3. You are a terrible parent.

3. Bargain-hunters. In my experience they are the most ornery Christmastime beasts as they have no concept of timeliness. "Is this the best deal I can get?" "Yup, because you're not at a stall somewhere in Mexico. If you don't buy it, someone else will. You can't just show up to the party late and expect to be the belle of the ball". I get that you saw whatever item here three weeks ago, but the fact that it was cheap and remotely nice kinda sums up why it is no longer here.

4. Window-shoppers. Unless you're just passing through on your lunch break, you have no excuse. Why would you willingly come shopping if you're too broke to buy anything. You're not contributing to anything except for the congestion. It's the equivalent of raising your hand to answer a question, and when called upon, not saying anything, just staring off into the distance. Additionally, if you haven't a clue what a store sells, here's a tip, go into the store and look around instead of gathering around outside the entrance repeatedly reading aloud the name as if that will suddenly explain to you what 'Lululemon' entails - conversely, how do you not know of the exclusive clothier of soccer-moms, the ugg-footed and people who wouldn't even know a yoga mat if they tripped over it, were you raised by wolves?

Shop 'til You Drop

"Considering how heavy my bags are, I'm pretty sure that means I can skip the gym today"

Today was the day that I absolutely had to get the rest of my shopping/card mailing/post-office going done since I don't have a full day off until after Christmas. I started early, around 9 am and picked up my new ac adapter from Apple (my old one actually full-on died last night) and picked up various gifts all over the city for about 6 hours. I got home in time to catch the last half of days.

I really should have eaten before I left but I was on task, and that would have meant that I would have to break my focus to find a washroom - not happening. First on my list, my mom. What to get the woman who has everything and then some? Sheets and a standing mixer. I had no clue what to get her manfriend so I just told her to either add my name to a card and I'd send money or pick something up and forge my signature.

My dad and his new wife are a little easier to please since they mistakenly believe that I can do no wrong. My stepmom bought my dad a new camera so I bought him Photoshop CS3 and a new wallet, a man can never have too many wallet I always say. My stepmom got a gift certificate to The Running Room (they sell shoes and other running accessories) and a weekend at a B&B in Quebec City with my Dad (they're planning a trip sometime in the spring).

After unloading the bulk of my purchases at the Post Office I made up for lost time by picking up a few things for myself (Coach flats - love them, running tights and jog bras, and a couple other small things). I honestly don't even want to think about next month's statement but I suspect it's going to be 10+ pages again.

Laissez-Faire Thursdays

...means not working, going out for brunch, watching movies and playing Scrabulous on Facebook until my eyes blur.

"Come here you saucy little BBQ"

...or Easter Dinner with the girl posse and The Archaeologist.

• crappy free bin porn - oh, yeah
• story time - The Build-a-BBQ Workshop
  
• snowboard videos
• the roast
• chocolate penguins which tasted like ass
• the heelys video - they have a street team?
• countless quotes from The Archaeologist - oh, how we've missed you!

All in all, a good time was had by all - now comes the fun task of cleaning up...

On solid food

I've been really sick for the past week or so (my standard once-a-year bout of tonsillitis/strep throat) that meant I was on a strict liquid diet because I could barely swallow my own saliva, let alone soup, smoothies or whathaveyou. Which really sucks because not only am I starving, I'm also dehydrated which makes for a rather unpleasant combination.

All of a sudden I was having hot flashes for real (menopause? - it's an inside joke more than anything else and definitely not to be repeated to my mother because as we all now know, menopause is a serious ailment and not a laughing matter) and finding myself short of breath on my three-floor trek to the nice washroom (I'm a germaphobe - but I don't believe in Purell either) so I kinda clued in that something was up. Also, I have zero interest in food anymore.

I still had to finish my conversation with The Engineer so I headed over to his place after I went shopping (I was too sick to go to school, but nothing keeps me from shopping, except sleet but that's where the internet comes in handy) and his first comment was "I think you have a problem" to which I was just like "Whaaa?" and he smiled and casually continued on with "Well, the last couple of times I've seen you you've been wearing sweaters, and I think you're addicted" but it's true, I love sweaters; the more grandfatherly, the better.

I explained to him it's because almost every other article of clothing that I own is dirty so I had to go shopping. And I had wanted this sweater forever but I never got around to buying it, so when I saw it on sale for 40% off I had to take it. Then I had to wait for The Pansy to finish up her classes for the day so I ended up buying a book to pass the time along with a smoothie for sustenance, and shampoo/conditioner because I was out.

Then The Pansy showed up and we made our way across the pedway to The Bay to pick up some mascara, because we're always arguing about who has the shorter lashes and her retort is always "It's just my amazing mascara! You should try it" so I bought it, and $30 later I must say I'm impressed.

I also bought some denim shoes, because I love denim - but not when it comes to jean jackets, shorts, or vests, and some black raw jeans from Sweden as well as a watch (that I've wanted for 2+ years, new mitts, because my old gloves were crazy small, and some WESC tees (limited, yes!) and a hoodie, because black-on-black is totally my steez right now.

Ed: I totally forgot about this purple Artful Dodger tee and the Dim Mak hoodie I'vea wanted for ages!!!

After I ran through my little list, I was totally out of breath and he called me a shop-a-holic which I couldn't really deny at this point and even my shopping partner in crime (a case of the pot calling the kettle black, no?) agrees.

We chatted briefly while we waited for the pizza, because I can't argue on an empty stomach, but I was feeling really sick and could barely eat more than two bites and one wing so I settled for carrot sticks. We talked it out started watching a movie but I was so tired that I just ended up spending the night, although no hanky-panky ensued (see: "I could barely swallow my own saliva").

I got very little sleep partly due to the hobo family reunion in the alley behind The Engineer's place and partly because my throat was quickly becoming so swollen and filled with phlegm that even talking was becoming an issue. I looked and sounded disgusting but The Engineer thought it was cute and wouldn't let me leave offering to make me tea and soup what seemed like every twenty minutes and because I was sick I found it to be rather endearing/cute instead of annoying/clingy.

Are you still with me? Good, because I almost forgot what the point of this post was:

That I'm no longer sick and I'm back on solid food, at least in theory. I'm still sick enough that coughing too hard will cause me to throw up but I can speak again (yay, more witty banter!). But my throat is still crazy sore all the time and I sound like a pack-a-day smoker when I wake up - hot.

Two for me...

Even though I have an extreme distaste for the holiday season and all the accoutrements (unless it involves candy canes, original flavours only - none of the unnecessary bastardizations, please), I smiled when I arrived home tonight to find not one, but two Christmas cards in the mailbox.

Even though the cards were late (Ed: Upon further inspection, it appears the cards were mailed out far before Christmas according the the postmarks), I suppose it really is the though that counts.

Now I have to dig out my thank you note paper...

On tacky accessories

Team Gingerbread: Oh, hey. I left my cell at your house.
The Engineer: Where did you leave it? I'll go look.
Team Gingerbread: Uh not sure, it's either in your room or on the couch. I think it fell out of my pocket yesterday. It's got the bright green cell phone charm on it, remember?
The Engineer: How could I forget?
Team Gingerbread: Because it's so cute?
The Engineer: No, that's not quite the word I was thinking of
Team Gingerbread: You love it, don't lie. I'm getting you one for Christmas, just you wait
The Engineer: So we can be tacky together? Cute.

I think it would be cute, so much so that I might just attach a cell phone charm to his phone before he leaves (for Christmas/New Year's) as a parting gift. As I've always said, nothing says 'I love you' like Winnie the Pooh dressed up as a horse.

Beefcake: 2-4 servings a day

A recent phone conversation with my Dad. He was wrapping some of my gifts to my stepmom, which included, but was not limited to, a book of nude photography. Partly because she's stoked on photography, and partly because I was shopping for these gifts really late at night and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

GingerDad: Hey, so I got the gifts for [GingerStepMom], and I just had a quick question
Team Gingerbread: Like, how did I get so awesome at buying gifts?
GingerDad: No, not quite
GingerDad: There's a book in here that I wasn't sure about
Team Gingerbread: Dad, just chillax. [GingerStepMom] loves photography
GingerDad: Yes, honey, of food
Team Gingerbread: Dad, beefcake is practically a food group...
GingerDad: (laughs)

Post-turkey ennui

"I'm not sleeping, I'm just going to be listening to the movie with my eyes closed" - The Pansy on how turkey has zero effect on her.

After anticipating a fantastic turkey dinner all day, I definitely wasn't disappointed, nor did I manage to survive it completely unscathed.

We had vowed to have a girls night in-type dinner and possibly get really, really drunk off of wine and head to a sit-down bar to carouse with the locals after a post-dinner nap. But by the time we got our act in gear a third of our drunken posse had peaced out to hang with her boyfriend leaving us to our own devices. We contemplated going out, but being the lazy girls that we are, we opted to stay in and catch a flick (because a certain boy failed to deliver).

We sprawled out on the couch, and watched Lords of Dogtown, chatting intermittently about cute boys and the like and eventually drifting off to sleep.

Love: Holiday weekends, and all the turkey trimmings (including a fantastic coconut lime sorbet)

Hate: The fact that I have to be up in less than 7 hours to work, on a long weekend no less - alas, consumerism never rests.

The McDonald's Incident/The Revelation

The McDonald's Incident

I was too busy to pack a lunch this morning (read: lazy, and wanted to spend more time doing nothing) so I had to buy food at work and since I had been craving something sweet I hit up McDonald's because the line at the Greek place was way too long for my 30 minuute break.

Except McD's was just as busy because two out of the 5 employees working the front were refilling the ice machine, and the McFlurry dispensers, respectively.

Come on now, is that really important? It's fucking October, who's going to order a McFlurry when it's raining. I don't think I've ever seen anyone walking around the mall with one.

So after my ten minute wait, it's my turn to order, and I order a McChicken sandwich (gross, I know) and ask for a baked pie as well.

"Um, we're out of pies"

What I wanted to say: "You've got to be fucking kidding me"

What I acually said: "Uh, that's fine I guess"

It takes her forvever to get my order, but whatevs, and as she's fixing my drink I see not one, but six(!) pies sitting on the counter.

"Um, excuse me? Are those not pies? Are they all for one person, and you're just out of them?" I ask cautiously, not wanting to get my hopes up

"Oh..." she says, "I thought we didn't have pies today" she murmurs to a coworker who looks like she wants to punch her in the face "No, we've always had pies" the coworker spits back

Long story short, I got my pies, but half my break was wasted standing in line at McD's.

---------

The Revelation

Lately, it seems that no one in getting enough in my circle of friends, and as a result, it's all we can talk about.

Boys, boys, and more boys dominate our conversations at work, school, bus stops and pretty much anywhere else we convene to the point where other people have started commenting on it.

Ever since a certain coworker of mine revealed her inter-office crush, we've been hounding her relentlessly, asking her what she thinks of his outfit that day, whether they're going to start dating anytimes soon, and generally just being totally immature.

Since that coworker and I take the same bus home together with some frequency we also end up talking about her crush on the way home, and today she finally admitted that she likes him(!!!) - she'd always just denied it before and simply said she found him attractive, so this is a big step for her.

I'm envisioning drunken tomfoolery at the staff Christmas party.

But the big news is that she wants me to invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner - I kinda hope he has plans though because I don't want to be a fifth wheel, selfish I know, but that's my scene.
Besides, we had all these grand plans to make a turkey and just get really, really drunk during dinner and watch Dave Chapelle dvd's afterwards, I don't want puppy love getting in the way...

[Un]dress code in effect

Against all better judgement, I decided to cap off my excruciatingly long day at work on Sunday with a night out on the town, because Leah was back from her week-long sojourn to Seattle.

Having been at least a couple weeks since we'd last hit up industry night at Hudson's on Whyte, I jumped at the chance to go out, so we got all gussied up in our finest casual attire and pregamed our faces off.

By the time we were suitably soused it was well after midnight, and I could tell it was going to be a good night. Showtime brought along a marker to tag stuff and we were off and running - or cartwheeling as the case may have been.

By the time we rolled up at the bar it was a quarter past 1 in the morning (meaning that I had to be up in six hours for work the next day) but no matter. We dove in an hit up the dance floor, but before I could even get there I was accosted by some random guy.

I was in my fun-drunk stage but his face totally didn't register, but he certainly knew who I was. Before I could focus my eyes I boldly just asked "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"It's me Arran (like Aaron, but spelled differently)"

"Oh...you look so different" was my slurred reply, but at least it was true. He normally has crazy done up hair and it was surprisingly tame on Sunday.

Long story short, we talked for a while, then we danced with the girls on the floor and he invited us to go party at his place (out of town) for the long-weekend.

We didn't quite close down the bar, but we left after last call and stopped by the Pita Pit on the way home to satiate our drnken munchies - worst.pita.ever. btw but I was so hungry that I didn't really care.

The we went on a bit of a destructive rampage and Leah and I helped The Christitute lift some signage from a lame bar along the way. TC had ripped off the "dress code in effect" sign on the way to the bar and had stashed it in the alley for pickup at a later date/time, and then we decided to go full force and remove the rest of the signage, including one that read "regular entrance" (it seemed like a good idea at the time).

I asked TC what she was going to do with the signs after she got them home, and she said she'd put them in her room/on her door, when I came up with the brills alcohol-influenced idea that she should add the letters 'u' and 'n' before the dress code statement and hang the sign on her door.

We also managed to reclaim a bench that had been set aside by the constuction crews in our neighbourhood - it's a really cute wrought iron and wood number too, but by them it was quickly approaching 3:30 and it dawned on me that the sun would soon be rising, and that I should head to bed.

Fast forward to 7 am, and I wake up alone and cold and still kinda drunk, roll out of bed put on the same clothes that I'd worn to the bar, and begin to make the stongest coffee imaginable to go along with my handful of regular chips from the night before.

I was crazy tired, but didn't want to keep sleeping for fear of being ridiculously late for work so I sat on the couch in my sunglasses and watched The Today Show whilst drifting in and out of a fitful sleep.

The bus ride to work was kinda brutal - I gagged a little because I was stuck sitting sideways, and that normally makes me feel ill.

I got to work, unscathed and sobered up, for the most part, and my co-worker's mom picked me up some McDonald's brekkie for the second day in a row - sweet, because it was free but not so hot, because it made me feel worse.

The day at work was pretty uneventful, except that two of the girls I work with gave their notice today, meaning that in 2 weeks our store will only employ 3 people (one of whom will be in Toronto with her boyfriend for half of July/August)

I was so tired at work that I was convinced I would just get home and roll into bed, but no dice. I'm wide awake and bored, so I'm going to hop into the shower and maybe take Chase up on his previous offer of pharmaceuticals

...and these are the days of our lives

Best. Weekend. Ever.

The Players: Gingerbread, The Christitute, Ah-bby, and Angela

Friday Night

We convinced the Christitute that she didn't want to go to a club, and that she'd actually much rather hit up every dive bar in the neighbourhood in search of a good time.

The result:

We ended up drinking for free, even though the beer tasted like it had been mixed with red wine - not kidding

Saturday (aka. Pubcrawl Day)

We started drinking at around 10 am, because the pubcrawl started at 12 noon

realize that we need to eat beforehand...and that makeup should probably be applied before heavy drinking commences

11 am: Drinking games and mad preparations for the bar (i.e. purse mickeys)

12 pm: Just pull up to the bar, make sure that the bar isn't doing bag checks, but make alternate arrangements to drink in the alley beside Hooter's if bag checks are in order

12:01 pm: It is ascertained that no bag checks are being conducted

2 pm: Finish up at the first bar, the first of three purse mickeys has been consumed in the span of an hour and a half. Discover that we've picked the bus with the most boring bus captain ever, Randy, the wonder bitch. Resort to peeing in an alley, to avoid a long line at the bar, nearly pee all over my footwear, and almost go to the wrong bar

3 pm: At the second bar, about halfway through the second purse mickey, start drinking water to avoid puking in a trash can/on the bus

4 pm: Leaving the second bar, elect to take a different bus, find ourselves surrounded by cute boys who enjoy mooning families with small children and other tour buses

5 pm: At the third bar, everything is a bit hazy, but drinks are being bought for us, we've peed in an alley once again, and hidden alcohol in that same alley

6 pm: On our way to the fourth, and last, bar with our new friends (Chad, Adam and the rest of their crew) in tow. The Christitute has staked her claim on Chad, and spends the entire bus ride molesting his neck, and coaxing his hand further up her thigh

7 pm: Angela and I realize that we're famished and head over to McDonald's for some food, not realizing that there is no re-entry to the bar, we eat like the ravenous drunks that we are. Ah-bby and TC are still at the bar with their respective gentlemen friends

8 pm: I break my no texting rule (which really only applies when I'm sober it seems) and let TC know where we are

8:01 pm: TC writes back, and we try to figure out when/where to meet

8:10 pm: Still no response from TC, Angela and I assume that means she's hooking up in a back alley behind the bar, turns out, we're not too far off

8:15 pm: I call TC and she gives me a very vague description about her whereabouts, which turns out to be completely false

8:20 pm: We're following her directions that she's directly right of the bar, and suspect that she's drunk and has no clue where she is, we stop passersby, to ask for proper directions

8:25 pm: We get to the pet store (who takes a makeout partner there anyways?) and they are nowhere to be found

8:27 pm: We call TC again, she tells us that she's across the street from the McDonald's at some motel, we envision stained sheets and rooms that rent by the hour

8:30 pm: Wrong directions again, she's actually at an inn across the way from an A&W, and by at an inn, we mean she's making out with a guy in the parking lot of said inn, class act all the way!

8:45 pm: After giving them more time alone, we decide it would be funnier (it was) if we took pictures of their liaison, and along the way discover that this inn also has a pool

9 pm: Still chilling on the pool deck, decide to head to the bar next door

10 pm: Leave the bar next door, TC and Chad want more time alone/food at Denny's. Angela and I head home

10:05 pm: We realize we don't know TC's address, or have keys to get into her house, and have to call her

10:10 pm: We finally get in touch with her (we later find out her hands/mouth were occupied, hence the delayed response) and we find out she didn't go to the Denny's that was about a $5 cab ride from where we were, but to the one that's a $30 cab ride away, but I didn't really care because TC had given me a $20 bill earlier and that paid for most of the fare.

10:30 pm: Show up at Denny's, order the greasiest sandwich possible, and Chad picks up the tab, after being reamed out by TC on numerous occasions

11:30 pm Ah-bby reappears, claims to have been dancing at the bar the whole time, which we loosely interpret as making out in a bathroom stall for hours

12 am: Ah-bby and Adam hit up the bar in the Radisson, and tell us to come join them when we're finished eating, the server also comes over and tells TC to refrain from cursing because 'It's a family restaurant and there are kids around", which inspires a flurry of curse words in response

12:30 am: Heading over to The Radisson, we discover what appears to be an abandoned camper van, and Chad gets in and pretends to drive it, when out of nowhere a voice booms from the back of the truck to "Get the fuck out!", we do as we're told, laughing so hard that we almost fall over while running.

12:35 am: Chad is accosted by a visibly intoxicated woman who begs him to make out with her, she finally just grabs him and starts working her magic. He pulls away, and we convince the woman to do it again because we want to get it on tape. The moment is recorded for posterity and because its hilarious. The woman also give TC a 3 lb bag of coleslaw, which we still have.

12:40 am: We join Ah-bby and Adam at the Radisson Hotel bar, and hang out in the beer tents until almost last call. TC and Chad sneak off for some more alone time, and his brother plies us with more drinks

1:30 am: TC returns and we all head inside. She and Ah-bby dance the rest of the night away while Angela and I work on our drinks

2 am: Angela and I decide to call it a night, after I tried to convince TC to bring the guys home with us to her Mom's house.

2:30 am: Arrive home at TC's Mom's house to find her mother still awake, and quickly realize that my idea's aren't always so brilliant, and silently vow to thank TC for resisting my suggestions

2:31 am: Make up elaborate lie about why TC isn't with us, who she's with and when she's coming home

2:37 am: Feel incredibly guilty for lying to TC's Mom, but am more overcome by my tiredness and head upstairs, so that I can blog the night's happenings

2:44 am: Get a call from TC, fill her in on the lies I told her mother. Assure her that we did have a really good time, wash my face, brush my teeth and go to bed.

3:17 am: Finally get to bed after proofing blog post, and settle in, only to realize that some douchebag (Ah-bby TC) left her wet towel on the bed, and now I'm forced to sleep in the wet spot.

3:18 am: Realize that the bed I'm sleeping on tonight is a waterbed. Just a regular bed - I think I just have the spins. Overcome by waves of nausea nonetheless.

Countdown to 'Le Weekend'

I feel like this week is going to drag on forever and it hasn't even started yet.

I'm ridiculously excited to see Neko Case perform on Wednesday and I won't have to work for three days straight beginning on Thursday night.

This weekend is the first road trip of the summer and we're hitting up the Stampede! I'm a Stampede virgin so it should be good, although I'll have to ditch out on the rides because they make me puke, not so hot.

But, I'll make up for it by being the drunkest one in our group (well, that's my goal at least The Chrisitute is pretty good at stealing my drunk thunder though) on the pubcrawl.

Work on Sunday was predictably really busy, but almost entirely uneventful, and when we weren't crazy busy the girls at work and I regaled each other with tales of Canada Day debauchery.

Sidenote:

My very drunk (and possibly crazy) roommate, The Fauxhawk, just returned from a night out on the town with her scuzzy modded car friends and exclaimed:

"I'm not drunk! Wait am I drunk? Why did my purse just fall down?"

She may or may not engage in very loud drunk sex with her strange manfriend, somebody save me!

I just can't picture this girl grasping the concept of 'courtesy music' since she isn't able to pick up on other social cues as evidenced by the following excerpt from an msn convo with The Christitute about The Fauxhawk:

[team gingerbread]...I have a full-time job, I go out every night - random, a guy just showed up at our with with delivery pizza, except no one knows who ordered it

Pledge Master [Pancake] - hmm

[team gingerbread]...I have a full-time job, I go out every night - [the fauxhawk] just tried to parlay that situation into a conversation with me - awkward

[team gingerbread]...I have a full-time job, I go out every night - ...and then i'm just like "i'm not wearing a bra, does it look like i want to chat"?

Canada Day Recap

There was some drinking at home, more drinking at a party, fireworks, a trip to a fast food restaurant (where I witnessed my friend's boyfriend eat a burger - he's a veg), and I woke up this morning with the worst headache ever - which I suspect has more to do with my extreme dehydration from not drinking any water yesterday, than from booze.

Either way, every 5 minutes or so I find myself quietly muttering "Fuck, I feel like crap"

It's going to be a long day at work