Ride the Bus

I'm a huge fan of public transportation partly because I don't have a driver's license and partly because I don't really believe in the use of cars as single occupant vehicles. That being said, I'm not a huge fan of interacting with others while using the aforementioned mode of transport. That is why I own an iPod.

To the socially adept, the white earbuds are a signal that I neither want to talk to you or have any desire to hear you talk to others. My music isn't obnoxiously loud, for fear that my bus seat neighbours find out that I fancy me some Ashlee Simpson and TLC on occasion, but it is loud enough to block out ambient noise and quiet chatter.

Unfortunately, it doesn't stop people from trying to talk to me - from what I've been told I'm not very approachable, so I just don't get it, but that's where the sunglasses come into play. Rain or shine, the sunglasses stay on for the duration of the bus ride, partly to shield my eyes from the sun's damaging ray and partly because I frequently fall asleep on my morning commute and it's a security blanket.

Enter the Loud Talker. Not only is he a fan of having obscenely loud cell phone conversations with his ladyfriend, he also feels the need to recap what he told her to everyone sitting adjacent to him after he hangs out, God forbid they missed a snippet of the conversation.

On many occasions he's tried to catch my eye/attention and I've either looked the other way - kinda hard when he's sitting next to you, or I've pretended to not notice as I casually crank the volume on my iPod.

Except on Saturday he proceeded to have a conversation about Tim Horton's coffee with the annoyingly high-pitched lady to my left early Saturday morning. Here's an idea: Just shut up! I don't care how you feel about their coffee. I honestly can't understand why you're so chipper this early in the morning but it needs to stop.

I cranked the music to 4/5 of it's allowable volume and put on my old standby, Young Love, but to no avail. I wanted to reach across the seat and grab him by the throat and politely, but forcefully, tell him that no one was interested in anything that he had to say and that if he was planning on receiving that many text messages could he please turn down his musical ringtone?

Al in all, I'm pretty sure my blood pressure spiked a little bit and it made for quite possibly the longest bus ride ever. What a great way to start the day.

"No, the pleasure's all mine"

Gross.

This has been the official week of the lurkers; it's as if they can smell that I'm newly single (of course in my commitment-phobe mind I was never really off the market, but I digress).

First there was the drunk guy on the bus on Tuesday, what an excellent way to cap off a really long day at work.

Then, there's the thug on the bus late Saturday night - because I was really in the mood to be hit on. I was so tired at that point that if he had said anything further to me, I would have probably cried.

and finally, there was the disabled guy with a walker at my bus stop on Monday - because apparently I give off approachable vibes when I'm listening to my iPod. Right. This guy was ballsy, I suppose because I've been told on numerous occasions that I'm not really the most approachable/accessible person under normal circumstances, so he gets points for that.

But seriously, I don't really want to chat with you, hence the removal of only one earbud when you approached me and appeared to be talking to me. The second there was a momentary laspe in conversation the earbud went back in again, only to have to take it out when you approached me once again to make sure I remembered your name (Brian). I was secretly hoping that we wouldn't be on the same bus because I had absolutely no interest in human interaction that early in the day.

Relief washed over me when your bus pulled up, and I made some half-hearted attempt at being pleasant and stated that "it was nice meeting you..." and then you were all like "No, really, the pleasure was all mine" in a really unnerving tone and you basically ruined my day.

Boyz 'n' the hood

Just another Tuesday night, hmmm?

I'm on my way home with Hawaiian Delight and Philly, on what could only be described as the better of the two buses we can take home at that hour when on walk two very drunk and lecherous guys. At first we don't really notice because for the most part, they've kept to themselves and we just catch up on old times and talk about shoes we're excited about next season since we're all shoe-obsessed.

The visibly drunker of the pair uses our animated excuse as an opportunity to lean over Philly and tell him (and the rest of us) "to just shut up, and keep our voices down". We're all semi-surprised and weirded out but we comply, it's a long bus ride home and it's not really worth either getting kicked off the bus or into a fight with someone who's got nothing to lose.

We all just listen to our iPods and glance back and forth occasionally. The drunk guy slurs something at one of his friends and furtively glancing in our direction whilst making obscene hand gestures, pausing briefly only to hit on me and drink more alcohol kindly provided by his friend, much to my disgust.

Sufficiently weirded out, we opted to get off one stop early and stopped for some food only to encounter a homeless man passed out on the floor of this establishment in a pool of his own vomit bleeding from both the mouth and nose.

Lovely. Paramedics were called and we ate our meal in shock, then continued on our way home.

A surprising twist

I set off on my break only to run into The Gentle Giant who was also on his break. He asked where I was eating and I told him that I had no idea, I asked him the same and he told me the same thing. I had been set on McDonald's for some reason (I'm a glutton for punishment, I suppose) but the lineup was ridiculous and I've learned that the longer the line, the slower the service, so that was a no go, and I settled on my old standby, the good Greek place in our food court.

Except my debit card wasn't working - even though I had used it just a few hours earlier, so I went back to the store to see if anyone had any change so I could pay for my meal. The Gentle Giant called and kindly offered to pay for my lunch - surprising because I'm pretty sure he has some knowledge of my thinly veiled hatred for him.

The guy working at the Greek place also told me that he would have given me my food for free had he know - aw, cute.

Regardless, I ended up eating my lunch with TGG because you can't just bail after someone buys you lunch and it wasn't nearly as awkward as I had anticipated.

I told The Pansy about it and she quietly asked if I hated him less now, and I laughed and said 'no'.

The rest of the night was relatively uneventful, except I had to sit next to at first, and then eventually across from this chick who was dancing (badly) to the music coming from her iPod. I couldn't even make fun of her because I was so mortified on her behalf.

Hey Assface!

Um, yeah hi?

It's me the girl who's forced to sit across from you on the bus and you're carrying on in what could best be described as the opposite of an indoor voice. Seriously, I'm stoked that you have to repeat the same insipid inside joke to your nephews (underage friends?) in the loudest voice possible at least 10 times.

Really, it sounds like I had to be there, so enough with that. And that cape thingie you're rocking, nice, really nice - if you're headed to a LAN party.

Maybe I've just had a long day but by the pained sidelong glances occasionally shared with fellow passengers I can tell it's not just me...

Hot 100, you're kidding right?

So we're on the white trash bus, which is packed as usual but we were the first to get on so we made our way to the back because that's how we roll - and since there always seem to be women with strollers on the bus no matter the hour.

The crowd was pretty typical (Old Asian man, check. Young Goth girl eating ice cream straight from the tub, check. Working stiffs, check.) but the peaceful facade was blown to shit when the trashiest of the white trash (a cringe-worthy couple and their idiot best friend/sidekick) ambled over to the empty seats adjacent to both myself and The Pansy.

Just great - anxious sidelong glances and bitter remarks were exchanged. "I think this pretty much sums up why I hate this bus" she quietly whispered. "Yeah, I know" I replied as The Sidekick berated someone on his friend's girlfriend's cell (because cool people share mobile phones, you know?).

Cringe-Worthy Girlfriend: He said he gave me a gram and a half, but I'm not sure (passing bag of weed to Cringe-Worthy Boyfriend) this is enough
Cringe-Worthy Boyfriend: Lemme see that (snatching bag) Whatever! Lets just get fucked up. Where are we going?

For half of the bus ride, the couple were passing a mickey of Hot 100 back and forth amongst themselves. For the unenlightened, Hot 100 is a cinnamon flavoured liqueur (Schnapps?). It is vile, and I really can't think of a single person I know who drinks it - ever! The last time I had it was at a frat party about 2 years ago, and it was because I was already drunk/it was free and beggars can't be choosers.

I really don't have a problem with people who are alcoholics, functional and not, but come the fuck on, could we at least have the decency to get sauced on something even halfway legit? Some rye, or cheap vodka perhaps - but Hot 100? It basically tastes like you marinated cinnamon hearts in a blend of mouthwash and vodka, with a hint of antifreeze thrown in for kicks.

Then the girlfriend made some sort of joke about how she couldn't even stand right, and how she might be a little tipsy.

[Ed. It has come to my attention that it was actually cinnamon Listerine. Ew!]

Diary of a white trash parent

Now that I live downtown, I have many an option when it comes to my bus ride home. Sure there are a couple routes I prefer (usually because it's faster and smells less) but I'm not picky for the most part because I ride the bus home with one of my friends with some frequency so it's never boring, except for that one night after she read this post

The bus was unusually empty tonight as we waited patiently for the bus to pull out of the mall terminal with only the sporadic outbursts from The White Trash Couple (WTC1) to remind us that we weren't in fact, alone on the bus.

It was really hard not to notice this couple because the female of the pair had gotten up several times to check the status of her baby (still alive) and empty its bottle and during the course of her trek to the front of the bus, her entire ass was exposed by her low slung pants. I can describe her underwear in great detail, which pains me.

The Pansy and I whispered amongst ourselves over how unfortunate the couple was while quietly snickering whenever they said/did anything even vaguely white trash (such as sharing a blister pack of Jolly Ranchers amongst themselves).

The bus eventually started on its route again and the white trash conversation really started flying. We hadn't initially realized it, but WTC1 had friends on the bus (WTC2). It was hard to tell that they knew each other at first because WTC2 had been firmly entrenched in a rather long and awkward public kiss since the beginning of the bus ride, his nicotine stained fingers running up and down her nylon track jacket-clad back.

There were so many quotes and so little room to write them down.

The Pansy: Ugh! I hate white trash!
Team Gingerbread: I know, I'm so glad my parents were workaholics when I was growing up so I never had to ride the bus.

Team Gingerbread (to The Pansy): There's your husband (pointing at Male WTC1). You're going to lure him away from her using a bucket of KFC

Female WTC1: This [takeout] smells worse than Melissa!

Male WTC2: What's the first thing girls say to you when you break up with them?
Male WTC1: I'm pregnant...(motioning towards Female WTC1) Yeah, we broke up on Friday.

Male WTC1 (directed at Male WTC2): Keep that shit wrapped, you don't want kids running around!
Male WTC1: [Is] She pregnant man, is she? I'm gonna punch you in the face if she is...

The only reason I enjoy public transit so much is that it allows me to be privy to such inane banter.

The joys of commuting

and other things I now get to enjoy as a downtown denizen.

I used to say I loved taking the bus (OK, well maybe loved was a bit much but didn't hate) but after not even a week of downtown/west end and downtown/university campus commuting, I'm singing a different tune.

I am now exposed, on a daily basis, to all sorts of strange and curious people, like the man who rides transit all day solely it seems to talk to the drivers of said busses.

There are definite advantages, like the extra 15 minutes of sleep I can squeeze in on the bus/train, and the studying that I can actually accomplish now that I have no easy way off campus, but it's going to take some getting used to.

In other news, the Alexisonfire show is tonight but I might not be able to go, because I'm closing at work and I think it's an all-ages show, ipso facto, early start=early to bed, boo!

Can't resist the mist

So I've actually started researching my gender paper - I finally settled on 'Female Chauvinist Pigs' as my topic, and I had to pick up some book at both the campus library and the public library. I'm minding my business on the LRT headed downtown when I notice the guy facing me is staring. I assume he doesn't know that I can see him since I'm wearing sunglasses. I avoid his gaze by looking at the gentleman to my left when I notice that he's drinking alcohol (it's 2pm) - and not just any alcohol, but Arbor Mist! For those of you not in the know, Arbor Mist is a wine-based fruit beverage targeted to the 20 to 30-something ladies who lunch, of course most of the people who drink it are underage.

When I was a kid, I'd always see these lame commercials on TV for Arbor Mist that featured a group of white 30-something women in a social setting such as a picnic or a day at the beach. They'd all be drinking Arbor Mist while their boyfriends were off in the distance, presumably doing something manly like barbecuing. The guys would eventually try to con the girls into giving them some Arbor Mist and the girls would just laugh and make them do increasingly difficult tasks for a taste. At the end of the ads, they'd usually clink glasses and jovially proclaim 'Now that deserves and Arbor Mist!'

When I saw the guy on the train drinking Arbor Mist, those commercials kept running through my head, the kicker was the fact that about a minute after I noticed what he was drinking, Gravy Train!!!'s Sippin' 40oz. started playing on my mp3 player, gold!

In other news, my sinuses are clogged, which sucks because there is so much pressure building up in my head that I'm getting a migraine, boo!