Stupid answers to stupid questions

On pretty much a daily basis, I am asked absolutely retarded questions by customers at the high end skate boutique [where I'm employed]. This is what I would really much rather say:

1. Do you have this in another colour?

- Uh, no. Why would we have a secret cache of shoes or clothing in the back that no one could see except upon request? On the odd occasion something is mistakenly not restocked, but why would we purchase clothes without intent to sell, hmmm?

2. Do I get a discount on that?

- Why, because you're spending $79.99 in our store you big spender? People regularly either 4 pairs of shoes or buy a pair of jeans, a hoodie, and a jacket which totals well over $600 and they don't get one so why on earth do you think you deserve one?

3. Is that the best price I can get on these?

- Firstly, this isn't a market in Mexico, you can't barter with me, and second, yes, it is! We're one of the few licensed dealers for certain brands in Edmonton, so no, you really can't get it anywhere else, which is how we get away with charging $100 for a hoodie (it's a semi high-end european brand)

4. Do you guys have changerooms?

- No we don't. We have a towel system wherein you pick your favourite employee and they will hold a towel for you in the corner to shield your nether regions from public view. Obviously we have changeroom you morons, we don't allow returns.

5. Where is X store in the mall?

- I'm not a F*cking mall directory! I'm not jsut being rude, but a) I really don't know. If I wanted to know where something was, I'd look it up on one of the many mall directories and b) I'm not from here, so I'd only been to the mall a handful of times before being employed there.

6. Why don't you have my size in sale shoes (said in most whiny voice possible)?

- They're on sale in the first place because we only have limited sizes. There's no real season for shoes per se, as we get new shoes all the time, but we can't leave a shoes on the display rack if we've only got one left. Also if we stop carrying a brand, we usually try to liquidate the stock. Beggars can't be choosers.

7. My, X-product is expensive!

- Yes, we're not exactly peddling necessities here people - no one needs a watch with a diamond face to survive. You could probably get by without a satin lining in your coat, but these are extra touches that are important to some. Feel free to shop somewhere else if you're not one of them.

That's all I can think of for now - I'm off to th 12th day in a row at work, but at least I get a bonus soon. I just bought 3 pairs of shoes, but I could always use a 4th...