Tuesday, October 10, 2006

West Edmonton Mall: A Primer

Ladies and gentlemen, you are in the world's largest mall, but so what? It's really no different than any other mall except that instead of only having one Body Shop, we've got two (and they're connected by a staircase inside the store!!!) and instead of having just one food court. we've got three but they all basically have the exact same selection (the only real difference form a normal mall here is that the standard fare is more expensive (yet another perk of 'the world's largest mall') and the service is generally below standard.

Yes, we have numerous outlandish attractions - get over it.

Sea lions, flamingos, a giant pirate ship, an amusement park, not one, but two, mini golf courses, a water park (that may or may not be cockroach infested), a casino, a hotel, a petting zoo, a shooting range, and an ice rink but they really aren't all that fantastic. You've seen one flamingo, you've seen em all, and they're not happy.

Really, I think it's fantastic that you've never seen a suspension bridge before, and I understand you desire to take umpteen family portaits on said bridge (OK, I really don't get it, I lied), but come on, use a little common sense! I've got shit to do, take one picture and let me pass by, or better yet, don't take pictures of a fucking bridge ('Isn't that exotic, wait is that an Orange Julius in the background?') Where are you from that you've never seen a bridge anyways?

It's gotten to the point where I don't even stop as I charge right through family photo ops and the like. I'm sure there are many a vacay snapshot that have captured my ass/arms/head/middle finger in the midst.

Walk with purpose. Some people, unbeknownst to you, it seems, actually have to work and/or conduct business. It would really be helpful if you'd just fucking move out of the way when I'm carrying a heavy box that I can barely see over instead of say, bending over to look at a star-shaped tile on the ground (true story).

Figure out what you're going to eat at McDonald's/drink at Starbucks before it's your turn. The menus are pretty much identical all over the world. How much time do you need to decide that you're having the Big Mac meal (again) or a Venti Americano, huh?

...and for the love of God - please don't ask me where another store is. If you want to know, pick up a mall directory!


Evil Genius said...

That type of "gawking like you've never been to a mall before" behavior drives me batshit too, and my nearest mall is just in podunk South Bend. I want to yell, people, I don't LIVE here in this mall, and I still have other places to get to today!!

Cody said...

I'm really amused by your use of the word "umpteen." I don't think I've ever seen it written.

shirley said...

Blogmad hit - ding! Outlandish!

team gingerbread said...

evil genius - preaching to the choir
Cody - Always happy to amuse
Shirley - long time, no see!

Olivia said...

I used to live close to "West Eddy", and can relate to what you're saying. The "Mall" was nothing short of pain in the ass to me. Gobs of traffic, when us working people had to get to work in the morning, or home at the end of the day. And to go shopping? Hell no! We'd head across town to Londonderry or the south side where you didn't have to do a 10k trek to go from Sears to The Body Shop!

Don't live there now, moved 3 provinces away, but if you see "Pear Head" hanging out at the bus stop, tell him we said hi! ;-)


team gingerbread said...

@Olivia - pear head takes my bus